November 19, 2010
November 18, 2010
Drum Roooooolllllllllllllllll!!! Drum Rooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!
Yes, people, I’m back! After hiatus of what, oh forget it, it’s been soooooooooooooo looooooooooonnnnnggggggggg that I’ve put quill to parchment, that makes me feel really nostalgic about this stuff!!! I know you guys missed me, and trust me, I missed you guys too!!! It’s just that life sometimes takes us by surprise and then through roller-coasters, and then you try to give your focused attention and concentration to the matters at hand. At times, you have to let go of stuff, always knowing that you’ll come back again, at an opportune time and moment. All right, I’m being too Kung-Fueeeeeeee (Kung Fu Panda), so I’ll cut it and say it – LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
And what better way to make a comeback – 25th anniversary of Calvin & Hobbes! The delight, the joy, of millions of readers out there – he’s simply irascible, unpredictable, and totally zany!!! Bill Watterson did a service to humanity, by putting our childhood in drawings – alright, not everyone’s childhood is as crazy as Calvin’s (mine was ) – and the sheer joy and unbridled laughter that he brings to us through the most famous ever boy and tiger combo is simply awesome! So no writings from me this Thursday – it’s Calvin & Hobbes time! And because you’ve been such a great audience, you shall receive Calvin & Hobbes strips here daily , till Bill Watterson sues me for copyright infringement and throws me in prison without internet access!!! Now ain’t that a come-back Bonanza!!! You are most welcome!!!
Note: This is not to take away the joy of reading Calvin & Hobbes and I do not support downloading images and reading of the net. I hope readers will enjoy reading about Calvin’s exploits and Hobbes’s wisdom, and would want to own them as books, just like I do
September 25, 2009
Normally I wouldn’t do this, but I’ve gotten desperate. And desperate times call for desperate measures. So today, the one, the only, is asking, nay pleading you, to please to vote for me to become the Chief Blogger of the Royal Challengers Banagalore Team. If you do, I promise that if you are a guy, you shall have unlimited supply of beer and Kingfisher babes throughout the year. It’s a deal! And if you are a gal, I promise you shall meet every dashing cricketer you ever wanted to meet! There, I hope I’ve enticed you enough. Voting closes on 27th September, 2009, so please, please, please be quick.
Go to www.royalchallengers.com/application/iqjunior to vote. Vote for me. Vote for Kingfisher.
September 16, 2009
Three words: Sorry! Busy! Later!
Confessions (Submission by Mr. Prasad Gupte)
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
August 31, 2009
Gooooooooooooooodddddddd Mooooooorrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg peeeeehhhhhppppppuuuuuuuuuuulllllllll.
Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve been erratic and it’s not at all good fer yer health, but well, slip-ups do happen once in a while… Now if I was one of those run-of-the- mill types who don’t care for their readers and churn out any rubbish just to keep their mag going, I would have had no problem keeping up the jokes everyday. But with me, Quality matters. So I scour the whole world, searching for gems, so that I satisfy your hunger for only the best. I know I’m spoiling you rotten, but well, that’s love now, ain’t it
Have you ever read a book while travelling in the train? I’m not talking about your long-distance trains that take you to or away from home, depending which side of the horizon you are looking from. I am talking about our daily local trains, which ferry globs of human flesh devoid of free will and spirit, to places where given a chance, their very eye-lashes wouldn’t go. Try reading a book there and see the reaction. Especially when you are standing towards the exit and are obviously going to get down. A perverse nature and an absolutely senile mind can only produce the reactions that the faces of the people around you seem to possess then. Every single nut will ask you, " Bhai sahab, aap utrenge na?", "Sir, you going to get down right?". Now this wouldn’t have been funny if they asked everyone else, or asked you when you weren’t reading something. But it becomes a real nuisance when you know that the question they ask is not actually a question, but an hint at projecting you as a stupid, ignorant fellow, who doesn’t have better things than reading a book.
How many of us read? Oh, I am not asking the usual lot. More than half the people I know read nowadays. Ask them when they started reading, and it’d be something just after college, or maybe in the later years of college. Some are of course, blatant in stating that they don’t read at all. I love these people. At least there is no pretense. But the majority of us, have taken up reading, coz maybe there was nothing else to do, or horror of horrors, someone else was doing it. But well, it’s a good habit, no matter when you begin. Just don’t give it up for anything in the world. I’ve not given it up in almost 20 years. at least better than watching the boob tube. Fro the uninitiated, it’s called TELEVISION. It’s the humongous monster, like a hydra-headed beast, which devours all imagination, and creates mindless zombies.
Research has shown that the human mind finds the visual more appealing than the textual. Hence, the birth of Powerpoint. However, television is worse than this. With visuals flowing across the tube at the speed of a jet plane, it doesn’t allow the human mind to think, to ponder, to really analyze. It is like food that goes directly past one’s oesophagus to the rectum, bypassing the intestines, the stomach and all in between. So all that you see is regurgitated as crap. Hence, I do not watch movies made of books. It limits one’s imagination. Why should I wish to view the book’s interpretation from someone else’s viewpoint, when my own is much better and more colorful?
Next time, do not get angry when someone asks you whether you are getting down just coz you are reading a book. Coz the joke is not on you, its on them.
August 27, 2009
After yesterday’s theory and serious talk, I thought I’ll entertain you guys with something lighter. Now it is a pet theory of mine, to which I’d do justice when I’ll write down my book (as many of you have suggested). Now this pet theory of mine is – that if our complete DNA is ever decoded, we Indians will be found with traces of a ‘Slave’ gene in all of us. Sounds preposterous? Downright anti-national? But that’s what we are! We are slaves – to anything that’s foreign and white, to anything that’s glamorous, to anything that helps us serve our motives without regard for the betterment of others. I’d like to quote V. Raghunathan, author of the book ‘Games Indians Play’, here, "Indians are privately smart, but publicly dumb." I will not go in details about his book, but what I’d like to put forth is that somehow, due to evolution maybe, something entered our mental and genetic make-up, and made us what we are. Slaves.
For example, yesterday while I was waiting for my company bus in the line with my colleague, a lady just arrived and went straight to the beginning of the line and took her place there. No we were placed 3rd and 4th after her, and there was not much of a line behind us, maybe 10 people or so. Now you would say that I should have made her see sense and should have told her to move behind. But look at the facts:
1. She is a woman. (I am not – Heavy disadvantage, can’t stoop to her levels of stupidity).
2. She is an Indian. (I am – for all the right reasons).
3. She is literate. (Bigger problem – she obviously thinks she’s educated, which she isn’t. I am educated.).
4. She is a woman. (Point needed reiteration).
So you see, there was no point and nothing to be achieved arguing. And hence I started this conversation with my friend. The one which I have put down here. Of how somehow, down the eons and ages, all that we seem to have inherited is not culture, tradition or nobility. It is stupidity, uncleanliness, arrogance, lack of etiquette, etc. Mind you, I was loud. I can be a pain in the arse when I want to
But it’s true. It is this same stupidity which makes us put masks on our faces for Swine Flu, and yet spit in public. It is this same stupidity that makes us clamour for better trains, and yet make us tear of the foam of new seats. It is this same stupidity that helps us to criticize our politicians, and yet choose them over and over again.
We possess a Slave gene. I’m just waiting for some scientist to prove it.
Head & Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were standing in an elevator with a guy, the brunette whispers to the blonde, "Man that guy has some bad dandruff, he needs to get some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde then whispers back to the brunette, "I know how to give head, but how do you give shoulders?"
August 26, 2009
I know apologies are in order for the continued absence of me and my jokes. I know that by now you’ve been driven to the wall, have gone bald due to clutching at your hair in despair, probably peeled off the paint of your walls due to constant nail-scratching (eewwwww), and must’ve created a crater on your floor with all the banging you did. Withdrawal symptoms can be very dangerous.
Speaking of withdrawal, a few days back, we celebrated the 400th Anniversary of the invention of Galileo’s Telescope. Here was a man, a staunch Roman Catholic, who in his later years was convicted by the same church he followed, for heresy.The charge being – he tried to prove that the Earth revolves round the Sun, and not vice-versa. I wouldn’t know of this event unless Google chose to inform me with its brilliant Logo Morphing that it uses to signify events (God bless them). What is of importance here is – the voice of one man against many. I have been a firm advocate of democracy, but as Winston Churchill puts it, "Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." But he also states this, "The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter." Any genius will never be a produce of the masses. No great good can come from a common thought, from a collective theory. Greatness is exclusivity, it stands alone, it asks for no support. The worst fear of democracy is turning into a mob. For contrary to expectations, the mob has a mind of its own. And its mind doesn’t ascribe to the ideals of its most wise individual, but rather scrounges to reach the levels of its worst creature. Because only then, can it accommodate all, and be reduced to a mob. A mob is never a collection of people, it is a reduction of ideas.
Why am I going off on this serious note? Just. Because I do not believe in norms. Maybe real laughter comes only from the absence of fear. Or whatever. Go figure.
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto lady’s cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!"
He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"
Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!"
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump…
After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s penis.
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said That was excellent!! Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.