Pigs Can Fly
August 13, 2009
Hola, Hola, Hola… The Mexican Wave is here… And I ain’t talking about the football, man – it’s the SWINE FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know, for viewers around the world, this might be stale news, especially in the West; but from where I come, it’s hotter than Jessica Alba running around in a bikini on Sunset Boulevard Though, I wouldn’t mind that in lieu of this Swine Flu. In the past few weeks, the whole of India has been in the grip of this vile, contagious disease. Imagine the horror! Only now had they escaped the torturous grip of Rakhi Sawant’s efforts to find a bride, oops, groom, and now they are subject to this. I tell you, we Indians suffer and put up with a lot.
To get to the crux of the news, apparently, some pigs have been flying from over Mexico and Latin America, spreading their droppings all over. The droppings are so fatal, that they have induced a billion to resemble the near and dear ones of Daaku Mangal Singh. Daaku Mangal Singh, for the uninitiated, was a dacoit/rapist/debaucher/terror device used in practically every Bollywood movie before Mr. India. Daaku Mangal Singh can rape children at night, pick up women in daylight and fondle the goats and cows as he’d please. I’m sorry – make it he could rape the women at night, fondle children in daylight, and pick up goats and cows as he’d please. Look at the terror! Even my fingers started trembling and typing garbage on their own! But with the advent of Mogambo, and nuclear bombs that could be turned on/off by a lever from a pick-up crane, and remote islands that have despots and practically no contact with the world, the death of Daaku Mangal Singh was imminent. But for us old-timers, he still remains our childhood fright. After all, who wants to be fondled in daylight???
Now, where was I? Aha, the pigs. So well, you know, what happens in America, sooner or later happens in India. First came McDonalds, then came Bill Clinton, then came Hillary, and now it is H1N1. Excuse me, am I making some subtle connection out here? Am I trying to say that maybe, just maybe, Ronald of McDonalds, Bill of Monica & Hillary of Bill are involved in the swine flu pandemic? Far-fetched though it may look, it is highly plausible. After all, Barack Obama might be behind all this. He’s unhappy to outsource jobs to India, maybe he just outsourced us the swine flu. Interesting angle. I’ll provide you updates on it with my investigation in further posts.
But the pigs, I mean the swine flu, man they have created a ruckus. I mean, total pandemonium. It was funny one evening at the railway station. Everyone I saw held their dupattas, handkerchiefs, tissue papers, socks, nappies (alright, you know I’m kidding about the last two) to their nose, while I was walking nonchalantly about. My main concern was, “Is my nose blocked that I can’t smell something terrible out here, while all of them have covered their faces?” Only when I reached home did Mom tell me that the pigs are flying, I mean, the swine flu is spreading! And I thought I couldn’t smell some dead rat, goat, or human that must’ve been causing that mass olfactory blockage!!! Imagine the terror! The horror I faced in those moments before enlightenment! I thought I wouldn’t be able to smell the delicious Chicken tandoori being grilled, I wouldn’t be able to take in the fragrance of juicy steaks being cooked, heck, I wouldn’t be able to smell my bacon and sausages and eggs in the morning
But well, nothing of the sort happened, and it was just plain old pigs flying in the air. I ask thee fellow Mexican brethren, why, oh why, did you have to send us your pigs? I mean, I wish if your women would have flew and landed here. And then instead of everyone’s faces being covered, nothing would be covered Ola
Now as my sister put it, “Earlier, no one used to bother where they spit, cough, sneeze, blow their nose, etc. etc. Now, everyone has their nose, ass, and every other hole covered!!! Some hygiene we Indians have!” And somewhere its true. Maybe all of it is true. We as a race, are probably the dirtiest after the slugs and the sloths in the animal kingdom. We spit, sneeze, throw up, urinate, defecate – all in public. Except for sex, which is very dirty and against our culture, we do everything else in public. Its enlightening to know, that I and you who are products of consensual sex, are dirty, while shit that comes out of every Indians arse, is clean – according to our culture. That means you and I come below shit in the Things of Cultural Importance and Upkeep! HAHAHAHA!
This is a great time for thieves, robbers, rapists, and other anti-social elements. after all, who is going to identify you? Everyone out there has a mask, both the victor and the victim. It’d be great to see wives retorting to husbands while asking for a kiss, ” I would have dear, but it’s the damn Swine Flu ” I’m hoping that the national GDP goes down and the population levels come under control. The GDP coz people won’t spend on malls, theatres, multiplexes, restaurants, bars, prostitutes; and population for the obvious reasons. And if the Swine Flu continues, it’ll really teach us a few things about cleanliness, population control, and condoms. Strange, that a mask can do, what a condom can’t. As my good friend Kanul put it in his forwarded sms, “200 people get swine flu and the whole of India wants to wear surgical masks!!! 20 million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom!!! Wah, India, Wah!!!”
It’s really funny to see masks worth Rs. 20/- being sold at Rs. 200/-. It is funny to see Indians actually taking care of hygiene. It is funny to see everyone masked around me. To misquote a real good line from a well-meant pathetic movie, Delhi 6, ” Yeh Swine Flu Koi Mexican Nahi hai, koi Pune-wala nahi hai, yeh Swine toh hum sabke andar hai “
I’ve read somewhere that when pigs fly in the air, it’s the season of love So what’s all this swine flu, I guess it’s time for some ILU ILU!!! Sorry for the sad one, couldn’t resist. Go on, have that fried bacon and yummy sausages. Or better, snatch a flying a pig, and roast it full. Just like I did YUMMY!!!
PS: This post is in no way meant to hurt the feelings of the families of those who have succumbed to this disease. My heartfelt condolences to the bereaved ones who are mourning for their loss. And to all of you, please do take care. My posts are meant for wholesome pun and fun, and I’d like to see you all basking in the sun. Sorry for the bad rhyme. Take care.