Cheerleaders and The Foreign Hand

June 24, 2008


Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppppppppppp Pppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooopppppppppppplllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah right!!! Rub your eyes!!! Yes, its not a hoax! It’s the real thing!!! You are watching Thursday Night with Ivan Quadras, baby!!! Ivan’s back, and back with a Bong!!! I mean a bang!!! I wish I’d be back with a Bong, but well, you can’t have everything in life…

So wassup people??? How you been doing in my so-called absence from public spotlight??? I know, I know, you must be feeling so many emotions at one go… Joyous and elated to see me again, thrilled on hearing me speak, angry and letdown because I’ve been absent without informing you… I know, I know, that’s what happens in love… I know you all are in love with me… And thank you so very much for all your love…

You just cannot imagine the barrage of emails I received in these days that I was away. Some thought that I had deleted them from the mailing list (i don’t do it people, I love you all equally 🙂 🙂 🙂 ), some thought that I might have run out of material, which they stated is impossible (so sweet), some even went to the extent of thinking I’m dead and sent an angry mail for not inviting them to the funeral!!! So here I am, back in flesh and blood, to rock your pants off your seat!!! So all of you may be wondering where I’ve been so long??? Not spreading my good humor and charm around to make the dull days exciting… Well, to tell you the truth, I had to fight for survival! Yes, me!!! No sooner did my Thursday Night start playing, BCCI, ala Ekta Kapoor, goes out and puts out a new show to kill the competition!!! And what do they put out – Indian Premier League!!!

Now, now, now before all of you think that I’m suggesting the IPL cricketers have stolen my show, hellloooooooooo… Excuse me!!! Do you think any cricketer can match my charisma, my attitude, my energy, my magic??? No sirreeeeee, consistency is a virtue that many do not possess, of which I’m given in abundance!!! I consistently and excellently do what I always do!!! The real threat was as usual, again the foreign hand – the cheerleaders!!! Now how do you expect me, charming though I am, to compete with a bunch of half-naked, busty, beautiful, bimbettes??? For heaven’s sake, I cannot compete with them at that level!!! And hence I had to undertake means to get them out. Who do you think was behind all this protests for banning the cheerleaders??? Me obviously!!! No moral policing here, my business was suffering buddy!!! Every time a skimpy, nubile woman did her dance & thingy routine on screen, all the males would salivate at their mouths, drool dripping all over. And all my female fans would foam and froth at the mouth, cursing these foreign women who give them a complex. Didn’t we have enough of Indian models giving us a complex that we need to get these bunch of bitches from foreign shores???

So here I was caught in a wrangle with these foreigners, while my audience suffered. But now I’m back, and the cheerleaders aren’t gone. You know why??? Because I have something that they will never have – variety!!! After all, how long can you titillate and excite using the same assets??? Public ko naya mangta hai boss!!! And here is the new and improved, Thursday Nights with Ivan Quadras!!!

Speaking of foreigners, it was saddening to know that a tourist attraction and one of the most beautiful cities of India was rampaged in a series of bomb blasts. What happened in Jaipur is shameful, makes everyone’s blood boil, and demands justice, action and revenge. And rightly so. But can we first think and ponder, what revenge are we exactly talking about? The World War II was an act of revenge, an act of pseudo-justice for the wrongs the victors did to the vanquished and they sought to right it by staking their claim over the world. Bush’s much condemned attack on Afghanistan was an act of revenge, to punish those who had challenged the might of powerful America. And the cycle goes on. These terrorists are born in normal households, who eat and drink just like we do, but perhaps due to a sense of misplaced justice, seek out ways to achieve it that spell doom for all. And don’t we end up as terrorists by carrying out vengeance against the ones who hurt us?

So what do we do? Sit back, as we see the world burning? Maybe not. But maybe also not try to add fuel to the fire, by seeking out a path of personal glory and revenge. For the reasons for this lie in our deep-rooted fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what may happen next, what someone might be plotting against, what would happen to my prospects… And we lash out, and scar not only others, but ourselves too… Maybe its time for the old-world order of victor and vanquished to go, of victory and defeat, of won and lost… Maybe we need a new keyword, one which doesn’t have an equal and opposite flip side to it… Some may call it collaboration, some may call it unification… But perhaps that is need of the hour – to lend a hand of support to those who dwell in the dark; to not put someone down to rise up, but take someone together on our rise to the top; to not fight among ourselves but fight the demons that torment us…

Enough of sermonizing… Anything more, and I’ll have to sign all of your school certificates!!! So people, remember to laugh on, enjoy responsibly and have lots of fun!!! And speaking of collaboration, I’ve decided not to fight the cheerleaders, but to collaborate with them. No sirree, I’m not coming out in skimpy, shiny tops and shorts wielding pom-poms, but rather, I’ll get them in my show!!! Imagine – a rock show with Ivan Quadras and cheerleaders around!!! Who would have thunk of such an idea!!! Maybe Freddie Mercury, but well he’s dead and gone, God Bless His Soul, and I’ll carry forward the legacy!!! Maybe come up with a track called Short-Skirted Girls as against Queen’s Fat-Bottomed Girls!!! Watch out this space for more!!!

Have fun people!!! And wish you all a happy, rocking weekend!!! Rock On!!!

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