New World Order

July 15, 2008


Wasssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppp peeeeeeeeeeeeooooopppppppppplllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it ain’t Thursday Night and I know that you were searching high and low for your weekly dosage of it, but you gotta know, I’m in deep shit. I’ve got killer commandos, killer Labradors, killer alligators and killer what-nots behind me, set by all the moral, political, and social police of the world. Why? Because I am a threat to the world order and sanctity and so-called peace! Me!!! A harmless little rat!!! Alright, not little, but harmless nonetheless. And all this because i’m out to change the way we live.

Have you ever pondered where does all the strife in the world emanate from? Where does this stress, lack of peace, internal and external turmoil get generated? As they say, “Charity begins at home”, “Strife also begins at home.” Imagine all the warring husbands and wives, the warring children, the strife between neighbors, the tension between community people. I’m sure when Bush decided to attack Iraq, he must’ve had a major row with his wife. And then he vented all his frustration at Saddam Hussein. Poor Saddam.

So how do we end this? How do we bring about world peace and all the goodies that come with it? I’ve propounded a simple solution. Man and Woman should marry, but stay separate. You’ll ask how does that help? Wait and listen to the whole theory, dammit. In the growing years, a boy spends most of his time with boys and a girl spends most of her time hanging around with inmates of her sex. Then suddenly, the hormones start kicking in, and together with pimples, pubic hairs and extra-time in loos, boys and girls decide to start spend time with each other. Mind you, I’m saying decide to start, not start. To start, they have to go through the whole nine yards of courtship, dates, flowers, movies, gifts, proposals, rejections, acceptances, more dates, more flowers, more expensive gifts, and so on and so forth. That all this leads to major heartburns and deep scars is well-documented and psychologists and psychiatrists have made a killing out of it. And then, to top it all, the boy and girl, who have developed, well or unwell, into man and woman, decide to walk that extra yard down the aisle and pledge themselves to each other. I mean, what the hell?

Let’s accept it, Men and Women are made differently, and it is not only the difference in the physical sector that I’m talking about. Imagine, going home after a day’s hard work to a bunch of guys. Or maybe just one guy. And no, I ain’t propagating homosexuality here. You won’t have to listen to constant nagging about how office life sucked, how the kids tore their books, flushed the neighbor’s kid down the drain, brought a frog home and dissected it for the evening supper and created general mayhem. Same for the women. You do not want to return home to an insensitive lout who, after you’ve had a tiring day at work where you’ve been sexually harassed and discriminated every minute of the eight hours or more you put in, instead of helping you with the supper and the dishes, opens a can of beer and ensconces himself comfortably in the only bean bag to watch an insipid game of football (insipid to you women, it’s always interesting, even if no goals are scored). You require someone who can understand you, feel your tension, soothe away your worries and fears. And lets face it, when we are deep in shit, each of us goes to our respective gangs, rather than the opposite number.

So let’s live like a gang. A man and woman can meet at a neutral location, for things they love to do, like watching movies, dates, coffee, spending quality time, and obviously, sex. I’ll call them procreational and recreational needs. Because I firmly believe that God has created us to procreate and spread his love. All the other things that we do, like eat, drink, work, play, have good careers, keep a good frame of mind, have a good body, mind and soul, is to fulfill this one need – procreation. It is the central activity of human existence, without which, we shall be doomed. But the problems arise when we give importance to these other support functions, and squabble and quarrel over them, forgetting our main motto, aim and goal in life.

I know there will be issues like children, where to keep them once they kick in, and how will they be developed and all. For one, a man and woman can buy a home which can be used for the aforementioned procreational and recreational activities. This same home could be used for raising the kids. And then parents can spend more time with kids and nurture them, and them slowly start spending time with each other. By the time kids start growing, man and woman will become happily settled, what with their younger, hormonally charged selves slowing down with age and they gain maturity and adulthood, finally. And the whole cycle repeats.

I know there are a lot of points which I have glossed over and which need deliberating and smoothening. I’m soon coming out with my findings and my research, and then presenting this New World Order to humanity. The powers that are have noticed the imminent danger to their positions, coz without war, tension, strife to control humanity, they will have lesser sway over the peoples and will have to devote their time and energy to genuine issues like dwindling economy, rising hunger and poverty and global warming and environmental pollution. And hence they are after my life. To lock this fire of rebellion for ever in the dungeons of repression.

But I shall fight. And I’ll keep you guys posted. So long, dear friends. I’ve gotta run. C ya, well, I dunno when, but soon… Till then, keep the fire burning… With more vodka… It has been my constant comfort in these ramblings of mine…

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6 Responses to “New World Order”

  1. Tushar Chavan Says:

    Thats wat exactly means
    “Live Life King Size”

    No worries no probs at all…..

  2. Harpreet Says:

    Ur talking like a MCP running away from ur responsibilities..I do not agree at all…The cause given is not justified….Acc to u, we women nag all the time abt the kids,food,money,neighbour’s kids and so on…But wat do u guys do….Expect us to be career oriented,work,earn,finish all the house chores,look after the kids,look like Angelina all the time…n morover please ur fucking sadistic sexual desires…Expect women to try all fucking positions…N u say that u guys shud live with other inmates of ur sex ,have fun,take no responsibilities but a diff home just for the so called procreational n recreational activities…That is such a cowardly behaviour…By the way…Did u expect us to take care of rest of the stuff like kids n all…..How selfish?How come only men complain abt all this stuff n women do not?Coz, Ofcourse we are stronger than u guys..just ponder over ur “New World Over” theory again n give it a second thought….

  3. Keshava Says:

    just replying to the long was up

    nothing…rest are details

  4. ivanblogs Says:

    Point taken… Let me just remind you that I’m primarily a writer for the humor genre, and fall under niche sub-category of sexual/bawdy/randy humor. Take my words with a pinch of salt, unless indicated, when they are meant to awaken the inner YOU. I have the utmost respect for women, though I am a self-confessed MCP. I believe they are certainly stronger than men, necessarily not smarter, or powerful, but definitely stronger. And the world is a better place with them around 🙂 Any plans of a New World Order will keep in mind their interests, as I’ve stated with respect to kids and the football match… So till then, have fun, keep reading and commenting, and live to laugh!!! It’s better than laughing for a living; we’ll leave that to Cyrus Broacha. Thanks!!!

  5. Aditya Says:

    OMG!! .. HARPreet get a life. Listen to what the dude is saying.

    Its perfect *hi-five!!* .. lol!! .. etc.

    But. But, these are the reflections of an imaginative mind that wants to think outside the box. The fact is, things aforementioned are a funny take on ‘domestic strife’ – and they belong in the realm on imagination. Like IQ says, take it with a pinch of salt ..

    Stay hungry, stay foolish?! .. 😉

  6. Avi Says:

    Ivan,
    Teri is “naye vishwa ki parikalpana” ka mai poori tarah se samarthan karta hu dost…
    Ye mat samajhana ki aisa sochne wala tu akela hai iss duniya mein ….99 pratishat MARD aisa sochte hai … Aur jo baaki ke 1 pratishat hai unke liye angreji bhashame ek shabd hai — Effeminate …

    Ye wo log hai jo college me ladkiyo ki bottles(jinpe mickey aur minni ki smooch wali photo hoti hai ) bhar ke laate hai …
    unke liye canteen se samose laate hai .. aur to aur jab un samoso ki chatni khatam ho jaati hai to wo bhi dubaara laate hai …
    yaani ki basically wo log jinhe hum apni bhasha me C.C. kehna pasand karte hai …
    keep writing the so called crude, rude stuff, no matter anyone pleases with it or not because u will always be having friends(or fans) who have sworn an oath of allegiance to a person as ribald as the ad of “Amul Macho Underwear”.


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