Gooooooooooooooodddddddd Mooooooorrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg peeeeehhhhhppppppuuuuuuuuuuulllllllll.
Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve been erratic and it’s not at all good fer yer health, but well, slip-ups do happen once in a while… Now if I was one of those run-of-the- mill types who don’t care for their readers and churn out any rubbish just to keep their mag going, I would have had no problem keeping up the jokes everyday. But with me, Quality matters. So I scour the whole world, searching for gems, so that I satisfy your hunger for only the best. I know I’m spoiling you rotten, but well, that’s love now, ain’t it 😉 😉 😉

Have you ever read a book while travelling in the train? I’m not talking about your long-distance trains that take you to or away from home, depending which side of the horizon you are looking from. I am talking about our daily local trains, which ferry globs of human flesh devoid of free will and spirit, to places where given a chance, their very eye-lashes wouldn’t go. Try reading a book there and see the reaction. Especially when you are standing towards the exit and are obviously going to get down. A perverse nature and an absolutely senile mind can only produce the reactions that the faces of the people around you seem to possess then. Every single nut will ask you, " Bhai sahab, aap utrenge na?", "Sir, you going to get down right?". Now this wouldn’t have been funny if they asked everyone else, or asked you when you weren’t reading something. But it becomes a real nuisance when you know that the question they ask is not actually a question, but an hint at projecting you as a stupid, ignorant fellow, who doesn’t have better things than reading a book.

How many of us read? Oh, I am not asking the usual lot. More than half the people I know read nowadays. Ask them when they started reading, and it’d be something just after college, or maybe in the later years of college. Some are of course, blatant in stating that they don’t read at all. I love these people. At least there is no pretense. But the majority of us, have taken up reading, coz maybe there was nothing else to do, or horror of horrors, someone else was doing it. But well, it’s a good habit, no matter when you begin. Just don’t give it up for anything in the world. I’ve not given it up in almost 20 years. at least better than watching the boob tube. Fro the uninitiated, it’s called TELEVISION. It’s the humongous monster, like a hydra-headed beast, which devours all imagination, and creates mindless zombies.

Research has shown that the human mind finds the visual more appealing than the textual. Hence, the birth of Powerpoint. However, television is worse than this. With visuals flowing across the tube at the speed of a jet plane, it doesn’t allow the human mind to think, to ponder, to really analyze. It is like food that goes directly past one’s oesophagus to the rectum, bypassing the intestines, the stomach and all in between. So all that you see is regurgitated as crap. Hence, I do not watch movies made of books. It limits one’s imagination. Why should I wish to view the book’s interpretation from someone else’s viewpoint, when my own is much better and more colorful?

Next time, do not get angry when someone asks you whether you are getting down just coz you are reading a book. Coz the joke is not on you, its on them.

Happy Reading!!!

Heya peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhpppppppppppppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllllllll,
Goooooooooooooooodddddddddd MMMMMMMMMMooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggaaaaaaa

After yesterday’s theory and serious talk, I thought I’ll entertain you guys with something lighter. Now it is a pet theory of mine, to which I’d do justice when I’ll write down my book (as many of you have suggested). Now this pet theory of mine is – that if our complete DNA is ever decoded, we Indians will be found with traces of a ‘Slave’ gene in all of us. Sounds preposterous? Downright anti-national? But that’s what we are! We are slaves – to anything that’s foreign and white, to anything that’s glamorous, to anything that helps us serve our motives without regard for the betterment of others. I’d like to quote V. Raghunathan, author of the book ‘Games Indians Play’, here, "Indians are privately smart, but publicly dumb." I will not go in details about his book, but what I’d like to put forth is that somehow, due to evolution maybe, something entered our mental and genetic make-up, and made us what we are. Slaves.

For example, yesterday while I was waiting for my company bus in the line with my colleague, a lady just arrived and went straight to the beginning of the line and took her place there. No we were placed 3rd and 4th after her, and there was not much of a line behind us, maybe 10 people or so. Now you would say that I should have made her see sense and should have told her to move behind. But look at the facts:

1. She is a woman. (I am not – Heavy disadvantage, can’t stoop to her levels of stupidity).
2. She is an Indian. (I am – for all the right reasons).
3. She is literate. (Bigger problem – she obviously thinks she’s educated, which she isn’t. I am educated.).
4. She is a woman. (Point needed reiteration).

So you see, there was no point and nothing to be achieved arguing. And hence I started this conversation with my friend. The one which I have put down here. Of how somehow, down the eons and ages, all that we seem to have inherited is not culture, tradition or nobility. It is stupidity, uncleanliness, arrogance, lack of etiquette, etc. Mind you, I was loud. I can be a pain in the arse when I want to 😀

But it’s true. It is this same stupidity which makes us put masks on our faces for Swine Flu, and yet spit in public. It is this same stupidity that makes us clamour for better trains, and yet make us tear of the foam of new seats. It is this same stupidity that helps us to criticize our politicians, and yet choose them over and over again.

We possess a Slave gene. I’m just waiting for some scientist to prove it.

Head & Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were standing in an elevator with a guy, the brunette whispers to the blonde, "Man that guy has some bad dandruff, he needs to get some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde then whispers back to the brunette, "I know how to give head, but how do you give shoulders?"

Heya people,
I know apologies are in order for the continued absence of me and my jokes. I know that by now you’ve been driven to the wall, have gone bald due to clutching at your hair in despair, probably peeled off the paint of your walls due to constant nail-scratching (eewwwww), and must’ve created a crater on your floor with all the banging you did. Withdrawal symptoms can be very dangerous.

Speaking of withdrawal, a few days back, we celebrated the 400th Anniversary of the invention of Galileo’s Telescope. Here was a man, a staunch Roman Catholic, who in his later years was convicted by the same church he followed, for heresy.The charge being – he tried to prove that the Earth revolves round the Sun, and not vice-versa. I wouldn’t know of this event unless Google chose to inform me with its brilliant Logo Morphing that it uses to signify events (God bless them). What is of importance here is – the voice of one man against many. I have been a firm advocate of democracy, but as Winston Churchill puts it, "Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." But he also states this, "The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter." Any genius will never be a produce of the masses. No great good can come from a common thought, from a collective theory. Greatness is exclusivity, it stands alone, it asks for no support. The worst fear of democracy is turning into a mob. For contrary to expectations, the mob has a mind of its own. And its mind doesn’t ascribe to the ideals of its most wise individual, but rather scrounges to reach the levels of its worst creature. Because only then, can it accommodate all, and be reduced to a mob. A mob is never a collection of people, it is a reduction of ideas.

Why am I going off on this serious note? Just. Because I do not believe in norms. Maybe real laughter comes only from the absence of fear. Or whatever. Go figure.

Lay Offs
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto lady’s cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
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Alien Invasion
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!"

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!"

The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!"

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump…

After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?"

The second replies, "I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
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Blonde Golf
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said, Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s penis.

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said That was excellent!! Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.
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Hey,
I’ve turned into Himesh Reshammiya. No seriously. All that eucalyptus oil wherever I go, in the train, in the bus, on the roads, has given me a massive nasal blockage. Some enterprising dude who manufactures Eucalyptus Oil must be raking in the bucks. Seriously, Eucalyptus Oil has many medicinal properties and can cure anything from a blocked, no entry nose to a runny, slimy one – but Swine Flu? If that was true, wouldn’t everyone be free of it? Could Swine Flu actually have become a pandemic? Apparently, it’s all based on a single SMS doing the rounds. Some Excerpts follow:

http://stockmarkettoday.in/2009/08/11/nilgiri-oil-nilgiri-oil-swine-flu-swine-flu-prevention-eucalyptus-oil-eucalyptus-oil-swine-flu-national-institute-of-virology-pune-how-to-prevent-swine-flu/
[…]Swine Flu is spreading in India, and so far it has claimed 7 lives. Now people have got scared, and are searching for things like Swine Flu Symptoms, and how to prevent Swine Flu. Currently an SMS is being circulated which sounds like this – Use “Nilgiri Oil” drops on handkerchiefs and masks as one of the preventive measures against swine flu (N I V) National Institute of Virology. Don’t know whether its true. But one this is true that Nilgiri Oil can surely be helpful in curing running nose which is one on the symptoms of Swine Flu.[…]

http://cutebabyblog.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/eucalyptus-nilgiri-oil-for-swine-flu-swine-flu-prevention/
[…]Disclaimer : The below information is solely based on the SMS that’s being circulated. The intention of providing this information is just to help people know about the use of “Nilgiri Oil” as one of the preventive measured against Swine Flu. Use at your own risk, consult your family doctor if you have any doubts. Cute Baby Blog will not be responsible for any side, worse or bad effect.

Swine Flu Attack in India made people and their beloved ones get scared with News. Currently an SMS is making rounds in the mobiles. Here’s the SMS Message.

Use “Nilgiri Oil” drops on handkerchiefs and masks as one of the preventive measures against swine flu (N I V) National Institute of Virology.
http://buzz7.com/news/nilgiri-oil-for-swine-flu-swine-flu-prevention.html

So, lets start using Eucalyptus Oil and protect ourselves from Swine Flu.

Where can I get Eucalyptus Oil Bottles?
Eucalyptus oil bottles are available in medical stores.

How to use Eucalyptus Oil on Handkerchief?
1. Place a few drops (3-5) of Eucalyptus oil on a handkerchief.
2. Deeply inhale the aroma after every 30 mins.
3. When you go home, put the handkerchief for washing.
4. Use a fresh/washed handkerchief everyday.[…]

Two links which seem sensible:
http://weeksupdate.com/2009/08/nilgiri-oil-and-swine-flu-sms-use.html
Swine Flu is the latest hot topic both in India and all over the world. Day by day new cases of Swine flu has been reported in various regions in India. People are on the run for any available medicine for prevention and cure of the disease.

There were reports as cure/prevention is available in Ayurveda and Homeopathy.

Now the latest addition is ‘Nilgiri Oil’ The news about Nilgiri oil is circulated in the form of SMS through mobile phones.

The SMS sounds as follows

Use “Nilgiri Oil” drops on handkerchiefs and masks as one of the preventive measures against swine flu (N I V) National Institute of Vairology.

Since no information like this has been issued by National Institute of Virology (in the SMS it spells Vairology) the information may be treated as spam or a marketing trick.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swine_influenza
[…]During the mid-20th century, identification of influenza subtypes became possible, allowing accurate diagnosis of transmission to humans. Since then, only 50 such transmissions have been confirmed. These strains of swine flu rarely pass from human to human. Symptoms of zoonotic swine flu in humans are similar to those of influenza and of influenza-like illness in general, namely chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, weakness and general discomfort.[…]

[…]The H1N1 viral strain implicated in the 2009 flu pandemic among humans often is called "swine flu" because initial testing showed many of the genes in the virus were similar to influenza viruses normally occurring in North American swine. But further research has shown that the outbreak is due to a new strain of H1N1 not previously reported in pigs.

In late April, Margaret Chan, the World Health Organization’s director-general, declared a "public health emergency of international concern" under the rules of the WHO’s new International Health Regulations when the first cases of the H1N1 virus were reported in the United States.[…]There are fears that swine flu will become a major global pandemic in the winter months, with many countries planning major vaccination campaigns.[…]

[…]Vaccines are available for different kinds of Swine Flu. Although the current trivalent influenza vaccine is unlikely to provide protection against the new 2009 H1N1 strain, vaccines against the new strain are being developed and could be ready as early as November 2009.[…]

The clincher:
[…]If a person becomes sick with swine flu, antiviral drugs can make the illness milder and make the patient feel better faster. They may also prevent serious flu complications. For treatment, antiviral drugs work best if started soon after getting sick (within 2 days of symptoms). Beside antivirals, supportive care at home or in hospital, focuses on controlling fevers, relieving pain and maintaining fluid balance, as well as identifying and treating any secondary infections or other medical problems. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends the use of Tamiflu (oseltamivir) or Relenza (zanamivir) for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with swine influenza viruses; however, the majority of people infected with the virus make a full recovery without requiring medical attention or antiviral drugs. The virus isolates in the 2009 outbreak have been found resistant to amantadine and rimantadine.

It takes one SMS, one bloody SMS, to spread all this terror. Sometimes I wonder if so much of communication technology is not turning into a menace for us.

I know, this is all serious, but maybe we need to pass this on. Now I know that once it goes on my blog, chances are that it will be made into a world edict. It could also be quoted in parliament and might become an amendment, or better, a new Law, but I am not to excited about it. These things are commonplace. What is more important, is to cure the ignorance of a nation. Because I feel, that somehow, we revel, we derive some sort of sadistic pleasure, in being victims. It is like some good thing that has happened to us – this Swine Flu. We actually crave that attention.

I wish I could be a wholesale supplier of Eucalyptus Oil. There goes one more business opportunity down the drain 😦 And with so much Nilgiri around, even the Swine won’t dare to sneeze for the next 100 years.

Me turning Himesh Reshammiya is no laughing matter :X For heaven’s sake, I don’t want to go around snivelling all my life.

ENJOY!!!

One Drink Only!
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that?" the host asked.

She replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks… anyone can!"

HAHAHAHA (I couldn’t think of a title for this – it was waaaaaaaaaayyy too funny :D)
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, why are you white and I am black?"

"Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party…, you are lucky that you don’t bark."

Skin Grafting
A man had an accident, so he was rushed to the hospital. The doctor had to perform an instant operation, due to his injuries. The man was wounded on the face and a deep scar was formed on his skin, but under his bushy beard. The doctor shaved off a part of the man’s beard and then performed the surgery.

Afterwards, the doctor performed more surgery to replace the missing part of the beard, so he would look good as new. The doctor cut off some of the man’s pubic hair and planted it surgically on the man’s face where the beard was missing.

The patient awakened and then after 2-3 days, he was discharged and he went back home.

After six months, the patient came to the hospital to talk to the doctor who performed his operation. The patient said, "Doc, everything is okay, but a peculiar thing has happened to me many times."

The doctor asks, "What is happening?"

The patient replies, "Whenever I scratch my beard, my penis gets erect!"

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Nilgiri oil and Swine Flu? (SMS) National Institute of Virology

Shared via AddThis

Hi,
ENJOY!!!

New Face-Lift
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "Go for it!"

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren’t bags under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!"

How did you know I was drunk?
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, the whisky bottles in each back pocket smashed, making the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see his buttocks were cut and bleeding. Quietly, he found a full box of plasters and began sticking them on his cuts the best he could. He then hid the almost empty plaster box and stumbled up to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with a searing pain in his head and backside and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren’t you?"

"What makes you say such a thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the front door left open, the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house. It could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly….it’s all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror."

Hundred-Year Old Statues
At a famous inner city park you’ll find two beautiful statues, one of a nude man and the other of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel again tells them, “You two still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But this time change positions. I’ll hold the pigeon down and you can poop on its head!”

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Heya people,
Sorry for the daily digest not sent yesterday; I was temporarily incapacitated. And sorry for not including any introduction today, because I’m temporarily incapacitated – with work. Have fun 😀 😀 😀

Three Accountants
Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. Very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says “At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough”.

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says “At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient”.

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. “At Arthur Andersen, we don’t pee on our hands”.

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