Good Morning – Joke For The Day

August 19, 2009


New Face-Lift
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "Go for it!"

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren’t bags under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!"

How did you know I was drunk?
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, the whisky bottles in each back pocket smashed, making the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see his buttocks were cut and bleeding. Quietly, he found a full box of plasters and began sticking them on his cuts the best he could. He then hid the almost empty plaster box and stumbled up to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with a searing pain in his head and backside and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren’t you?"

"What makes you say such a thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the front door left open, the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house. It could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly….it’s all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror."

Hundred-Year Old Statues
At a famous inner city park you’ll find two beautiful statues, one of a nude man and the other of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel again tells them, “You two still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But this time change positions. I’ll hold the pigeon down and you can poop on its head!”



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